Filmic Pulp

I think I like Steve Carrell too much. He’s the only reason why I watched this movie and he’s definitely the most redeeming quality of it.

So the break down: After Bruce Almighty ended, Evan Baxter, Bruce’s counterpart on the evening news, becomes a senator or a congressman or some shit and then gets talked to by God into building an ark because a flood’s coming. And then Evan keeps seeing the number “614″ everywhere, which is the verse where God tells Noah, “Build a motherfuckin’ boat.”

So Evan does as he’s told and gets chastised and gets fired for it. See, God thinks it’d be funny if he made Evan Baxter actually look like Noah by taking a page out of the Santa Claus and having his beard be unshavable and growing back every time he shaves it. And then his hair gets really long and white.

Steve Carrell as Evan Baxter as Noah, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t think God would find it very appealing to completely fuck someone over like that. I don’t even think he’d do that. He’s already commissioned Evan to build a fucking ARK. Who does that? No one. So he’s going to get publicly harangued for saying a flood’s coming and that they better fucking repent.

So why the crazy hair and the clothes and all that shit? Because it’s a shitty movie.

And it gets even worse. The flood turns out to only be a broken dam and this is all to prove a point that animals are worth something or some shit. I’m still unclear on the issue. But it was definitely a copout.

Why was it a cop out ending? Well, #1, the flood that Noah had to deal with killed every single motherfucker. Man, woman, child.

And here? Nobody dies. Not one single thing.

And why is that? Because they try to combine both Old Testament Wrath with New Testament forgiveness. And those two things don’t mix well. And don’t sit well with me. They turn my shit blacker than Pepto Bismol.

So I understand that this was a family film and that you can’t have people dying in a family film or something, but it still seemed far too righteous for its own good as well as having too much play with the idea.

Maybe it’ll take the sadistic Mel Gibson to make a real Noah’s Ark movie… He seems to love stories of yore, and guys doing impossible things. And he’s not afraid to murder people–even Jesus Caviezel!

And Morgan Freeman needs to get his teeth fix.